Monday, October 28, 2013

MLUS (Melanin-Laden Ugly Skin) and its treatment

MLUS is the short form for Melanin Laden Ugly Skin, a geographic and genetic disorder prevalent all over the world but with concentrations in South Asia, South East Asia, Middle East, Latin America and Africa (Or the portion of living world designated as non-Western countries). People suffering from this disorder often suffer from increased levels of the pigment melanin in their skins which renders their skin complexion darker and sometimes way darker than the acceptable limit. Other salient features of these people include a history of centuries of living under the colonial rule serving mostly light colored rulers.

How is it contracted?

 If you know anything about this disorder you would know that it is considered worse than HIV AIDS. Most people are born dark because of their geographical location while the rest are a pathetic result of poor choice of life partners by their parents.


Inheriting dark skin, lifelong attempts to lighten it in order to appear beautiful and constant mental pain over your skin color.


Unfortunately, there are no cures to MLUS but certain treatments do exist which make it seem less obvious and hence less horrible. Like any other disorder, prevention is better than cure here as well. Following are some of the available treatments to reduce the pain of this disorder:

1.      Always try to be white. Remember every day is a new beginning and where you can be lighter than the day before. It's an on-going journey. Use tonnes of chlorinated products on your face, body, and intimate areas. You are in luck here as there are so many products to choose from. Cheap, openly available Hydrogen peroxide to Garnier Skin Whitening cream, there’s something suitable for every type of budget.

2.      Be humble and never forget your lowly place as a dark person.

3.      Pleasantly accept derogatory comments and patronizing from people who are even an iota of a shade lighter than you are

4.      Since you will virtually never see yourselves and your likes on television, movies and other media, learn to live like a social and cultural vampire which means that spending time in sun is a huge no-no.
5.      Remain marginalized and never question whatever is construed as beautiful.

6.      Marry lighter people. Silently hope and actively try for your kids to not turn out like yourself. There are skin lightening creams for kids as well! Hallelujah!

7.      It is ok to have bouts of self-pity and constant fights with God, Ishwar, Allah, Buddha, Jesus, Till Lindemann, or No God, for making you too dark

8.      Put lighter people up on a pedestal.

9.      Decline yourself the privilege of wearing certain colors in which you look too dark.

10.  Hate yourself (and the people who have the same complexion as you do) until you attain the socially acceptable amounts of lightness.

11.  Always try to change yourself. You can never even dare to think that you are perfect the way you are, you absolutely have to believe that there is something wrong with you. So keep trying to fix it so that our society keeps riding the cycle of our fake sense of Eurocentric privilege forever.

Also, its ok to be smart when you are dark but it is NOT OK, NEVER EVER OK to be beautiful when you are dark.

Wait...What? An Indian American woman named Nina Duvulri is the new Miss America.

That's so cool. Let me google her picture…
What the …? She isn't even that pretty. These White people obviously don't know what is considered beautiful in India. How’s that even possible? How could she be so confident with that dark, poor complexion to actually tryout in a beauty pageant? She would not have survived even the first round of Miss India contest.

Anyways, back to MLUS…

Listen to me, where are you going? I was telling you about MLUS, wait wai....




Thursday, September 26, 2013

"Can we expect grown up boys to not be threatened by women's breasts?" "Not anytime soon...

Therefore, all women are decreed to cover their god-gifted burdens of muscular blobs that rest on top of their sternums with a piece of cloth. I.e., a duppata. You see, there are many benefits to wearing a duppata, e.g. you eliminate negative attention from  men (any attention is a bad attention if you are a good, God abiding, religious woman and any attention that you get is your own mistake, it is definitely not the fault of dear, na├»ve, innocent men. You get it because you ask for it), also there's a possibility to clean sweep three elections by wearing it on your head like the following woman;
Other eligibility requirements include father's feudal and iconic status, an Ivy League degree, a pathetic Urdu accent, and demonstrated ability to carry out massive amounts of corruption. But, that's not the point of our story here so let's just move onwards.
 It doesn't matter if you like to live like the following in your private life, you should absolutely don a duppata when you go out in public to ask for votes or want people to respect you. It's not hypocrisy, it's just our culture.

Also, if you think you are too good to actually be bold enough to assume, that a piece of cloth or where it stays does not determine your intelligence or political smarts, be ready to be executed like the woman below by a deranged, psychopathic killer looking for paradise. So it might actually work as a safety net for you, as well.  See, we are your friends here. We want you alive.
Of course, we are not going to voice our disgust at the irrationality of the mentality that some of our men possess when they equate a woman's life to a piece of cloth that needs to be thrown out, because it has become too dirty to stay in the house. It does not matter that the clothe was clean before and owns only our own dirt. A woman, like a dirty cloth, should be thrown out/killed, when WE decide that she is not wearing clothes which reciprocate with our tastes in women's clothing.

 Again, it is culture, she should have had known her place, she should have worn that duppata to avoid that fate. Its our culture, you know its not hypocrisy or plain ignorance, its just our culture. Let's not ask such questions as to how many non- duppata/chador/chadari/burka wearing women did Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) kill? Or to even let Allah be the judge of who does or doesn't choose to wear a duppata? In this world, we are judges and we will decide what determines our women's worth and if you don't live up to our standards then be prepared to enter our manmade(manyatimes womanmade) hell for you.

How dare those girls thought of starting a twitter campaign to protest against the discriminatory policy being carried out in one of the most prestigious universities of Pakistan. Duppatas are an absolute must in an educational institute which is considered to be the second best university in Pakistan. If you are a woman and don't wear one, prepare yourself for fines, and how dare you consider it discriminatory, plain ridiculous and against your personal freedom when not wearing a duppata is equal to wearing a bikini in school showing that YOU are demanding attention. How did you even dare to assume that boys going to this school and men making these policies are grown up enough to bear the brunt of boobs covered with two/three (in winters four or five) layers of clothing already. See, Madam, if you want respect and if you want an education without harassment and mental anguish, you better surrender to what we say(which is the best and your ONLY option, and in YOUR best interest)

 I mean, come on, its for your own protection. Obviously , the men going to that school are NOT grown up boys from middle class families who, most probably, had access to all sorts of trivia regarding female anatomy and physiology while growing up. We need to keep these men innocent, because they have never seen a woman in a jeans before or seen a woman without a duppata before (apparently their mothers breast fed them through a veil covering her mammary glands) so lets just save them from this menace of duppata-less women. Girls, please take on your core responsibility of keeping these men innocent. Let us help you in that jihad by devising policies that will control your crazy duppataless bodies that are a threat to tear apart our society's very fabric (Yes, our society is kept intact by your duppata being on your bosom and your head)

 In case, some shameless, immodest, scum of the earth type girl stands against us in that quest, ostracize her by feeding her the all-encompassing, gem term of discipline. Definitely, the choice to not wear a duppata at age 18-25 is still treason,  regardless of the century we are living in. If the woman still keeps blabbering on social media through writing blogs, tweeting etc. get all discipline apologists aboard and bombard twitter with tweets like," its our culture", "it happens in other countries as well". Yes, definitely that's all our culture is about. Our culture is nothing but a woman wearing a duppata. So, let's protect her with all our mental, physical, apologetic and administrative capacities.

What? What did you say about personal freedom?

I am all for personal freedoms but since you own a vagina so I ask you one question and only question?

How did you even dare to mention that term?

Internet trolls... Process her!"

P.S. Pun/Sarcasm/Satire/Anger is intended at all those places, where it seems like it has been implied.

Monday, September 16, 2013

Kathmandu ekdum sanchhai chaa! I love this Sahar!

I completed the first five hours of language training today and yes, I am totally going to flaunt it.

Yes, there I said it. I love Kathmandu. This city has everything that my inner scholar gypsy demanded from me always- I.e. the vibrancy of a well preserved diverse historic city, the urgency of a modern capital and the beauty of a hill resort. These are the best descriptors about Kathmandu that my limited dictionary can put forth at the moment. So far, Kathmandu has been much better than my expectations and I already am in love with this Sahar (city in Nepali).

 The coolest things about Kathmandu are:

  • rooftop gardens-they are everywhere. The land is so fertile and rich, plants grow out from every nook and corner and they look fabulous.
  • women riding scooties (mini motorcycles plus scooters). They are also everywhere.
  • Convenience stores run by womenfolk-most of the shops/cornerstones are being run by women
  • (shops that open up at 5 am and remain open past midnight)
View of mountains from our rooftop.

Some random ethnic building located near Thamel(the tourist district)

Dhobi Ghaat: the open air laundry.

Buddhanath Stupa: Love this place and its location.

This really beautiful post modern meets Bauhaus building found in Thamel.

  • extremely hospitable people
  • its walkability (Although, due to on-going construction, walking on main roads is not advised), the streets or 'galis' are a great secret tool to explore this city and many of its hidden gems.
  • the ingenuous intersectionality of modern and ancient cultures-here you will see Buddhist monks chilling out in a Pizzeria and kids playing table tennis on a makeshift concrete table.
  • mountains of Kathmandu valley- these are visible from every rooftop. Rooftop tea parties could actually be a pretty great idea here.
  • FOOD-which is simple yet great.

I am so excited for the next eight months here in Nepal. There's so much to explore, learn, experience and this is just the start. One week is definitely not enough time to do justice to description of any place one has moved to, so stay tuned for more updates and please show me your support in the comments section.
Oh, by the way, the title means: "Kathmandu is superfine. I love this city."

Monday, September 2, 2013

An account of a bittersweet parting...

I am aboard an emotional roller coaster as I type these words.

My itinerary for the travel that I was so excited about is here.  I leave Toronto on September the 6th and reach Nepal on September the 8th, which is coincidentally, also the day of  Teej festival, or the festival of women being celebrated in Nepal.  For me, three years of waiting are finally over as I am just three days away from  hopping on a plane and move to a new part of the world which I have never seen, experienced or felt before. Yup, the travel seems to be real-er than ever.

Nepal Teej festival: Women sing and dance at the Temple during the Teej festival
Teej Festival: -when married women fast for their husbands and single girls hope and pray for a great future husband.On this occasion, women normally wear bright red, green and pink clothes to celebrate their men or future men.
I am neither a very emotional person nor someone foreign to staying long weeks away from home. I am very well accustomed to the mixed feelings of  excitement, ecstasy, hope and anxiety that engulf a person prior to an altogether new experience.

However, I admit that the closer I am getting to this journey, excitement is turning to melancholy and anxiety is becoming a creeping sadness of parting from the familiar. I have already started missing my mother, brothers and beautiful friends. Little things such as an Iced Cap from Tim Hortons or a trip to downtown Toronto have gained much more sentimental value in these last days.

I  do know that I will be back in eight months (hopefully!) and that once in Nepal, I will have the time of my life, but in these last days, through this blogpost, I want to let everybody- who has helped my transition into the Canadian life-know that I will miss them, that their efforts to help, motivate and support me will not go wasted and that you have all been a strong inspiration for whatever I do or wherever I plan to go and whatever I ever achieve. I love you all and I am gonna miss you.

Goodbye Toronto,Waterloo,Family,Friends and Canada.

Namaste Nepal! As I fly to you on an auspicious day, when you will be welcoming me with beautiful colors of red, pink and green, I hope that you will turn out to be great for my future and for those beautiful girls' who are waiting for a great husband. In fact, I don't just silently hope for you to be great,  I know you will be!

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

#Malaladay or #Malaladrama: What's your take?

A few weeks ago, when #Malaladay and #Malala were doing rounds on Internet, hashtag #Malaladrama was trending in the Twitter feed of the teenage heroine’s home country, Pakistan. As the name suggests, social media updates from Pakistan, denounced Malala's struggles in the coldest way_by declaring her a fraud. While  rest of the world was busy applauding the Malala cause-education for all-with moist eyes, EDUCATED  Pakistani youth were busy creating a momentous backlash against Malala on their smart phones. This backlash didn't go unnoticed in the wider world as major news outlets, including Toronto Star, soon picked it up, as Hamida Ghafour writes, "On social media the 16-year-old, who last week made a passionate plea to world leaders at the UN to fund universal primary education, has been described as a western stooge, a CIA spy and even a prostitute." Bear with me but, to me, this backlash was not really surprising.

Malala Yousafzai addresses UN on Malala day.
 When Malala was brutally shot in 2012, I saw millions of  men,  women, youth and children out on the streets of Pakistan, protesting against the Taliban brutality. I saw thousands of Pakistani youth changing their covers on Facebook in her support. I witnessed all major TV channels giving her countless hours of coverage. I noticed  mainstream Muslim scholars, releasing fatwas (religious decrees) against the people who had shot her  Yet , DESPITE all that,  International media kept on beating the same drum of "Islam, terrorism, Pakistan, barbaric bearded men, Taliban, women rights,". Jeez! Pakistanis were frustrated and had enough of this racist and stereotyped rhetoric.

According to the Pakistani youth, Western media and politicians have hijacked the Malala cause, which they(the youth) so rigorously supported, yet were conveniently ignored and were never given credit for. They think that UN, which religiously practices gender inequality in its own ranks; and people like Gordon Brown, are just plain hypocrites who have cherry picked Malala Yousafzai to sustain their own Western saviour complex. 

So which side are you on? Did you know about the hashtag #Malaladrama?  Is Pakistani youth right in denouncing Malala,  to vent out their own frustrations? Has the west really hijacked Malala cause? Do you want me to write more about this issue? Leave your valuable comments, suggestions and opinions below.